


I Made A List

by elfofthedarkside



Series: The Universe Where Jackie Exists [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, author doesn't know how high 50 stories is, because even the author doesn't fully know where this is going, because that's what this au is made of i guess, past suicidal thoughts/attempts, there's bits and piece missing to keep ya guessing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 10:37:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18715327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfofthedarkside/pseuds/elfofthedarkside
Summary: “I don’t think it’s a joke, Mr. Stark. I think I really need… a reason.”---Late-night heartfelt conversations are best when held on the roof of a skyscraper with your boss.





	I Made A List

**Author's Note:**

> (*future me edit* the draft name for this is "jackie + tony flashback sad angsty little thingy yeah u know what it is" in case y'all wanted to know ok back to tired me)
> 
> howdy! I am not dead, evidently. Apparently this is what happens when I hit my second wind at 1am after having a four-hour panic attack because my job sucks lol. Again, another idea I've been bouncing around for this character that I never wrote down because outlines are for chumps. Also! I might have ADHD! So that's cool. Enjoy this sappy Tony Stark moment where Endgame never happened and I think in this universe never will. Did that sentence make sense? I am falling asleep. You have no idea how hard it is to spell the word asleep when your brain is fried.

_ “Unauthorized access to roof detected.” _

Tony blinked, looking up from the bits and pieces he’d been tinkering with for the past two hours. “Roof access? There’s not even anything worth stealing up there.”

_ “Would you like me to send a security drone to check it out, Sir?” _

“No, no, that’s okay.” He stood, stretching. “I could use a walk. Oh,  _ shit, _ ” he groaned as his back popped. “Remind me to take more frequent breaks when sitting down for a while.”

_ “Reminder that you will likely ignore set.” _

He grinned at that. “Alright, go easy. I listen to you. Sometimes.”

_ “When it is convenient, Sir, yes.” _

He continued bantering with FRIDAY as the elevator took him up, but paused. “Who’s staying this late?”

“Ms. Bateman is the only keycard not checked out.”

“Jackie, huh? I don’t remember her mentioning any roof maintenance.”

The doors slid open. Tony could just make out the silhouette of his PA against the skyline of the brightly lit city below. His brow furrowed.

“Jackie?”

The silhouette flinched a bit, glancing back over her shoulder. “Mr. Stark? I… I thought you were downstairs.”

“I was. But a little birdy told me someone was on the roof.” He glanced back at the elevator. “Snitches get stitches, FRIDAY.”

He approached slowly. “Something going on?”

Jackie didn’t look at him, even when he reached her side. She continued gazing out across the horizon. “Kinda. No. Not really. It’s nothing.” She shook her head. “I’m good. Just tired.”

“Tired, huh?” Tony nodded, not fully believing her. He sat cross-legged at her feet and then pat the concrete next to him. “Come on.” She hesitated, then sat. He nodded at the sky. “It’s real pretty all the way up here. I mean, despite all the light pollution. It’s quiet. Nice place to think.”

She still refused to look at him. He glanced at her, noticing the subtle tremble in her jaw, her hands clutched in her lap shaking slightly. “You scared of heights?”

“Not really.” She shrugged, cleverly attempting to wipe her eyes during the distracting gesture. Tony still noticed.

“Everything okay with your dad?”

He flinched at her sudden movement, then felt guilt settle in his chest when she started to sob into her hands. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” He awkwardly reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. She flinched a bit, but didn’t shake him off, so he saw it as a small victory.

“He’s- he’s” Jackie gasped for air. “He’s a fucking asshole, I hate him, I hate him, I don’t want- I shouldn’t- he’s done so much for me- I hate him, I hate this, I hate me, I hate being b- broken and fucking- fucking empty and scared and- and- and-”

“You don’t have to feel bad for feeling angry.” The firmness of his own voice surprised him. “It’s not your fault you feel hurt. You didn’t hurt you. He did. No matter what else he might have done. He hurt you.”

She hiccupped, trying to stifle herself in her hands. She bit down on her palm, clearly struggling to keep herself quiet. Tony considered giving her a hug, surely given the circumstances it would be rational, but decided against it. She could get closer if she needed more physical contact.

Instead, he kept his hand on her shoulder, firm and stable, keeping his voice low. “You don’t have to keep it down. We’re about 50 stories above anyone who would hear us.”

She choked out a laugh, and he smiled. “There we go. It’s fine. Crying is good. You’ve gotta let it out.”

He turned his gaze back to the skyline, quiet but still making sure she knew he was still “there”.

Jackie cried for a while, hands coming up and clutching at her chest, her face, clenching and unclenching at her sides, on her legs, shifting back and forth in her sitting position. Tony stayed. That was all he could do.

After her sobs had given way to soft shuddering breaths, face red and shiny in the city lights, Tony moved his hand away. “Anything you need?”

She started to say something, then laughed sharply. “A reason to not jump.”

He fell silent. He’d had a feeling, but…

“I don’t think it’s a joke, Mr. Stark. I think I really need… a reason.”

He took a deep breath, then shifted, pulling a worn and crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolded it, turning it so she could read it. She scrunched her brow, confused.

“What is…?”

“I made a list.” He could feel her gaze, but couldn’t make himself meet it. “That’s what I do. The list. I put down things I have to do before I can allow myself to kick it. Then, at least, maybe I did something worthwhile, maybe, maybe then I’ll have earned it.” He shrugged. “Whatever works, right?”

She blinked. “There’s… there’s not a lot left.”

“Yeah.” He folded it and stuffed it back into his pocket. “I’m hoping that by the time I finish I won’t want to do it anymore. And I’ve added stuff since the first time.”

“Do you?”

“Do I…?”

“Still want to do it?”

Tony swallowed. “Yeah. Sometimes.”

Jackie slumped, hands fidgeting. “So it doesn’t work.”

“Hey, I’m still here, aren’t I?” He gave her a grudging smile, tapping her arm with a balled fist. “Sometimes that’s the best you can do.”

She stayed quiet for a few moments more, then looked up, locking eyes with him for the first time that night. “I didn’t know you… you were… you thought about that shit, too.”

His smile widened almost comically. “What is it, the winning billionaire playboy  façade ? I guess the single semester of musical theater in college helps too.”

Jackie cracked a smile at that. “Okay, yeah, yeah. I assumed incorrectly.”

“You know what they say.” He grinned back.

“Yeah.”

Another silence fell.

“The offer still stands, you know.”

“What offer?”

Tony gestured vaguely. “The housing thing. You could live here. Like, included in your benefits or some bullshit, I’ll figure it out.”

“You… really?” Jackie’s eyes filled with tears. “I… I mean, I can’t go back to his house. And I don’t have the dorm anymore. You’d really let me?”

“Yeah, why not?” He shrugged, the  _ whatever _ practically audible. “I own the place, I’m already paying you.” He paused. “How much am I paying you?”

“A- about $40k?”

He nodded, deadpan. “Let’s double it.”

Her jaw nearly hit the ground. “Sir, I, I can’t-”

“You literally do everything I can’t be bothered to, I’d say it’s at least fair.” He grinned. “And don’t call me ‘Sir’. Coming from a kid like you, it makes me feel old.”

“Not a kid,  _ Sir. _ ” She grinned back.

“Ah, okay, Ms. ‘I Can’t Drink, What If The Cops Show Up’.”

“Fuck off.” She returned the good-natured punch, though she was a bit harder.

“Ow, my fragile old man bones!”

Tony made sure she had a full glass of water before sending her to a guest room (”We’ll decorate it tomorrow.”). He stayed up a while longer.

He had one more thing to add to his list.

**Author's Note:**

> cool cool I love my sad boy feeling better. Who wants to bet another name on his list was Pepper? I do, because I wrote it, and it definitely is. Is that sad or happy? This scene happens right around Civil War so every time he takes out the list he probably feels really guilty and thinks the break was his fault.
> 
> I made a playlist for Tony and it's two hours long! I've been listening to it for three days straight! I may be posting it to my tumblr soon if I don't forget (which I may bc as previously stated I may have adhd or I'm just severely sleep deprived that could be it too) so if you wanna check that shit out i'm sailingalongthesethoughts on tumblr yeah.
> 
> I don't wanna beg but comments literally would make me so fucking happy you don't understand. I'm tired and sappy but I will love you forever if you comment okay bye :]


End file.
